Failing Dreams

Have you ever wanted something, to do something, to be something, but you didn't know how to achieve it? That's where I am at. I have so many dreams, but I am at a loss of how to accomplish them.

 I want a new career: I worked in television news for 10 years. For a few years now, I have been looking for a change. I would love to work in public relations, and I even have an idea for which type of companies for which I would like to work. The problem lies in getting any potential employers to respond to my resume. My college degree is in Communication. That not only encompasses journalism, but also many other careers, like public relations. But it seems all potential employers see is "News Producer", and they look me over! I would be a valuable asset to someone, especially in a company or organization that I believe in! I am tempted to go back to news, only because I haven't worked full time since October, when my husband and I moved to Oklahoma. But truthfully, I would be miserable. It's hard to make it on one income, especially when we pay child support each month. Now, don't get me wrong! I am not saying my husband should not support his children. But we get them half the time! Half the time! We are supporting them!

 That brings me to my second dream!
A house:
 I have had a dream for as long as I can remember to build a house. When you're growing up, teachers tell you to dream big! Go to college! Then you will have the money to do what you want in life. Well, I did that. I went to college. I have that degree. Now, I want to live the American Dream. I want to build a house! I want a 4 or 5 bedroom house, with 2 1/2 bathrooms and a two car garage. I want it to be out in the country, with 5-10 acres, but close enough to the city that it's not a huge commute. i know what I want it to look like, down to the color of the door! We cannot build a house because we are struggling to make ends meet. So we rent. We cannot decorate like we want. We can't build on to the house we have.

 I want a baby:
I want to have a baby. But without the space for a baby, or the money for a baby, we cannot have a baby. We rent a three bedroom house. The rooms are small. We cannot ask children as old as my stepchildren to share a room with a baby! That would not be fair. Plus, we are barely able to pay the bills now. We are struggling, since I do not have a full time job, so how are we supposed to have a child? I cannot qualify for any government assistance because of my husbands salary...even though we give much of it away to child support... it's a never ending cycle. Here I am, in my mid-30s, without the means to have a child, and it breaks my heart. We cannot have a baby without a new car. We currently do not have any vehicles that will seat 5 people. We already have a family of four. But without me having a full time job, we cannot afford a car payment. See how this cycle works?

 Those are just some of the big dreams I have. There are others-- but it all cycles into these problems! I want to go home and see my family next month. IT doesn't appear we will have the money to do that. So, I sit here, 10 hours away from home, just wishing that I could be there-- if only for a week. Yes, I am complaining. And no, I don't want your sympathy, or any backlash on any of this! I just needed a place to vent... and this is my blog-- so I can do that! Now, let me get off here, so I can go clean this rented house.

One Year and Counting

This Sunday, Jeff and I will celebrate one year of marriage, and I am looking forward to the future! As we left our wedding, we had no idea what the future held. We did know one thing-- we would do it together! This has been a very hard year with many changes. We got married, and a few months later moved from Tennessee to Oklahoma. Now we have his children every other week for the entire week! So in just a matter of months, I became a wife, mother, quit my job, and moved to a different state. I have learned, though, that together, Jeff and I can do anything. I've had my times of grief, but I have had so much more joy! My mom told me before I was married that the first year of marriage is the most difficult. I hope that's true! Because Jeff and I made it! That first year, you learn how to be married. You learn how to compromise. You learn that the two of you are gonna fight, but you also learn how to forgive and make up! I love Jeff more today than I did a year ago. I'm so thankful to God for bringing us together! I look forward to growing old with him!

Unglued Devotional Review

Do you come unglued? I mean, get really mad about the smallest things, or maybe they're not so small! This is me. I have been known to come unglued about things that really, in the long run, don't matter! I was so pleased when I found this devotional by Lysa Terkeurst. Lysa, like me, has a hard time keeping her emotions in check. I was so pleased when I found I wasn't the only person that had this problem. In this devotional, Lysa walks you through "60 days of imperfect progess". I learned a whole lot in this book. On day one, Lysa says, "I'm sad because of the way I acted today. I'm disappointed in my lack of self control....I have to figure this out. What is my problem? Why can't I seem to control my reactions?" I ask myself this same question, it seems, every single day. So, I started this 60 day journey, hoping I can learn to react in a loving way, instead of just exploding. I believe it has really helped! Lysa really hits the nail on the head when she talks about everyday life and how it can just make you come unraveled! She is a woman who knows what it's like to be imperfect. In an age where we constantly see these perfect women at church, at work, on television...it seems everyone has it together but us...this woman admits that it's not always easy to just do the day to day! But she also knows that if you lean on the Word of God, and listen to what God says about you, then you can succeed! On day 51, she said something so true... "What makes a woman tender also reveals her vulnerabilities. What makes a woman transparent also exposes her wounds. What makes a woman authentic also uncovers her insecurities. And there isn't a woman alive who likes being revealed, exposed and uncovered." I am so glad I came across this book, and I thank Booksneeze for providing me with a copy. I would definitely recommend this book to any lady who sometimes has a hard time keeping it together.

Review of 50 Things Every Young Lady Should Know

"50 Things Every Young Lady Should Know" is a great read, not only for young girls, but also for those of us ladies that aren't so young anymore! There are important topics in this book, on exactly what is correct etiquette in many circumstances. Because I was raised as a southern belle, I did know many of them. It covers topics as simple as saying please and thank you and what you should do when you're introduced, plus proper etiquette when you're a dinner guest. It also covers topics that I haven't really thought about in this new age of social networking and using the computer! I actually learned a lot in this book, and plan on going through it with my daughter, making sure she's a lady in every aspect of her life! I recommend this book, and plan to read it again with my step-daughter, teaching her how to be a true lady in every way. I was provided a free copy of this book by BookSneeze, for my honest review.

Little Germ Factories

I moved to Oklahoma three months ago-- and since then I have been sick, in the bed for a week sick, twice! This time I have the flu! But there's one little problem with this scenerio! I don't work, so therefore I'm not around people! So why am I getting sick so much? I think I have figured it out-- two little germ factories named Samantha and TYler! Children are germ factories. I've heard it said many times that when children first go off to daycare, mom gets sick a lot. It's because children carry the germs home! They may not even get sick because they've built up an immunity! But poor mom and dad...didn't even see it coming! Well, being a new mom, even if said children are six and eight years old, I feel the same way! I feel like I've been sick ever since I got to Oklahoma! It makes me afraid to be around them! I'm gonna start taking vitamin C everyday, but moms out there, please give me pointers on how to stay well! I really don't know what to do! I just know I cannot continue to be sick like this! Thank you in advance!

A Year of Reflections

Another year has come to an end. 2012 is in the record books. 2012 has been a year of dreams come true for me. It's also been a year of huge change, something that I've wanted for quite some time. But change doesn't come without growing pains. Many years ago, someone told me "Anything worth having is hard to obtain," and along the same lines-- "anything worth doing is hard". I have learned both of those statements to be true. And this very thing is what I'm pondering at the end of 2012--the beginning of 2013.

On January 27th, 2012, I said yes to a man that I love with all my heart! And on June 2nd, 2012, I committed to love him forever! Jeff is everything I have ever wanted and more. He is the answer to my prayers-- the desire of my heart. My true soul-mate! But I've learned something that no one ever tells you about being a newlywed. It's not easy! It's not all honeymoon bliss! My mom told me something after I got married that no one ever did-- the first year of marriage is the hardest. I have been married for seven months now, and it's hard! Jeff and I have had huge fights, and I have felt inadequate many times.

Added to a new marriage---Jeff brought two children to the relationship. We lived in Tennessee and the kids lived in Oklahoma with their mother. They spent the summer with us...arrived a few days before the wedding. When they went back to their mom's, we made a huge decision--one that will affect the rest of our future. Jeff and I decided that we needed to be with Samantha and Tyler as they grow up! So Jeff started looking for a job. He found one and on October first, we moved to Claremore, Oklahoma. I, in turn, had to give up my job.

I have been wanting a change for quite a while now, but this was a huge sacrifice for me to make.

I have worked in television news for 10 years. For five years before that, I was in school to work in television news. So, this was a career for which I devoted 15 years of my life. It was also something I was no longer happy doing. I knew I needed a change.

I also had to give up my position at church. I have always knew God called me into Children's ministry. For the last year, I got the chance to lead the children as their pastor. It was a position that I was born to do. I love those children with everything in me-- and saying good-bye to them was the hardest thing I had to do. They are my heart! I also knew how much I have grown to love Samantha and Tyler. So, for me, it was a no-brainer. That is, until I got here. I didn't realize how much I would miss going to work every day. I didn't know how much I would miss it just being Jeff and me. I didn't know how much I would miss frequent dinners with my very good friends. But I do. I miss all of it! We have Samantha and Tyler every other week, so I do get Jeff to myself the other weeks in between. But not working is really getting to me. I have never liked cleaning the house. I have a real problem with doing laundry. In my single years, I even contemplated hiring someone to do my laundry. When Jeff and I were both working, we shared the chores--and he did the laundry. Now, it's mostly my job to do the chores. But it's more than housework. I'm a social butterfly. To not work means very little human interaction. Plus, being new in town means I don't know many people. Calling up a friend for dinner is out of the question. I really miss my friends, Melissa and Stephanie. Dinners with them were much needed breaks from life. I still talk to them on the phone, but I need some face-time! I'm already trying to figure out when Melissa and I can meet somewhere for a nice weekend together. I did, however, get a very nice, surprise visit from two of my best friends-- Niecie and Valerie.

They worked with my wonderful husband to surprise me for my birthday. I was so happy to see them, but I was just getting over an illness, and had a very hard time enjoying their visit! So, I'm hoping they can come for another visit in the next few months! What I did would be hard for anyone. I mean, in four months time, I became a wife, a stepmother, quit my job and moved to another state! I'm all for adventure, but this is a little too adventurous, even for me! But being a part of a family has been a prayer of mine for as long as I can remember. I know it's all in God's plan for me to be married to Jeff Griffin. And I know it's all in God's plan to be in Samantha and Tyler's lives. But it's hard. Life is hard. Anything worth doing is hard! Is it worth it? I think so!

So here I am, going into 2013, hoping that I can learn to be a good wife and mother. Praying that God will make me adequate. That God would fill me with his love and his joy-- so much that it runs over into my household. Praying that God would be real in me--and that He will give me a peace about another desire of my heart that I won't share at this time. I am praying that marriage will get easier as I am married longer. That I can learn how to be part of a couple. I was single for so long! I am also praying that God would send me the perfect part-time job--a job that I can enjoy, and can use my talents from 15 years as a journalist. Cheers to 2013!

Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Merry Christmas. Today was my first Christmas with a family of my own. WE have Jeff's children for the week, and Santa Claus came to our house! We're now in Oklahoma--far away from my family. I am missing my family something fierce! But at least I wasn't alone this Christmas. I am loved, and I was with those that I love and who love me! Santa Claus brought Samantha and Tyler bicycles! Then, Tyler said: "We need to go outside and check to see if Santa left tracks with his sleigh!" So glad Santa didn't disappoint! He walked outside to find sleigh tracks and even bells that had fallen from the sleigh during the hard landing! We were able to open Christmas presents with my mom and family via Skype. That was a blessing because I miss them so much. Snow was in the forecast for today. That made me excited, since I couldn't go to Alabama for Christmas. But, wouldn't you know it-- the snow storm shifted south-- and it snowed an hour south of us! We didn't even see a flurry. I hope all of you have had a wonderful Christmas.