Sunday, January 01, 2012

Thoughts going into 2012

It's the beginning of another year. 2012 is here. While many celebrate the arrival of the new year, I always hate to see the old year go. A new year always means another year gone. It means you're a year older. It means the year will always be a memory.

This year, I was definitely sad to see 2011 go, but I am looking forward to my 2012. While many say 2011 was a bad year, I say it was one of my best ever. In January, my high school sweetheart contacted me out of the blue. We started talking on the phone, and fell back in love. In March, Jeff came for a visit. Along for the ride, his two children. Two months later, in May-- Jeff moved to Chattanooga. We decided to get married, and we plan to tie the knot on June 2, 2012.

Through it all, there have been ups and downs. I love Jeff with all my heart, but every single day I wonder if I can really be a good wife. I also wonder every day if I can be a part-time mom to his children. I feel so inadequate, and truthfully, they drive me nuts much of the time. But I do love them.

I call it the 30-year-old curse. Let me explain: I've been on my own, and all alone, since I moved out of my mother's house at age 18. Just a few weeks ago, I turned 33. For years, I've longed for the companionship of a man, a family. But during that time, I got used to being alone, even coveting that alone time. So now that I finally do have what I've prayed for my entire life, I miss my time by myself, and even get upset when it's nowhere in sight. I find that I am hard to get along with during these times, and truthfully, I don't know why Jeff sticks around. But if he ever did leave I would hate it! I love him! I love his kids. I just don't love having them around every waking minute!

Now please don't think I don't want to marry Jeff. I am sharing my thoughts, and I don't want any backlash. I wish I could figure out how to fix this problem. I don't want to be alone, and I know Jeff is the man God has for me. He and I were always supposed to be together. Neither one of us realized it until later in life! I just have to figure out how to get my coveted alone time, and still be part of a family. Because truthfully, when we have the kids, I am exhausted from the time they get here until the time they leave, and I just want to close the door and not hear little voices...

Just so you know, I love children, which is why this baffles me. I even teach the kids church at my church! So, I'm doing a whole lot of praying-- hoping that God will show me how to do life as a family. I guess I just don't know how!

Happy New Year everyone-- For me the next five months will be very busy-- planning my wedding. I just hope it all comes together and Jeff and I can live happily ever after.