Sunday, January 01, 2012

Thoughts going into 2012

It's the beginning of another year. 2012 is here. While many celebrate the arrival of the new year, I always hate to see the old year go. A new year always means another year gone. It means you're a year older. It means the year will always be a memory.

This year, I was definitely sad to see 2011 go, but I am looking forward to my 2012. While many say 2011 was a bad year, I say it was one of my best ever. In January, my high school sweetheart contacted me out of the blue. We started talking on the phone, and fell back in love. In March, Jeff came for a visit. Along for the ride, his two children. Two months later, in May-- Jeff moved to Chattanooga. We decided to get married, and we plan to tie the knot on June 2, 2012.

Through it all, there have been ups and downs. I love Jeff with all my heart, but every single day I wonder if I can really be a good wife. I also wonder every day if I can be a part-time mom to his children. I feel so inadequate, and truthfully, they drive me nuts much of the time. But I do love them.

I call it the 30-year-old curse. Let me explain: I've been on my own, and all alone, since I moved out of my mother's house at age 18. Just a few weeks ago, I turned 33. For years, I've longed for the companionship of a man, a family. But during that time, I got used to being alone, even coveting that alone time. So now that I finally do have what I've prayed for my entire life, I miss my time by myself, and even get upset when it's nowhere in sight. I find that I am hard to get along with during these times, and truthfully, I don't know why Jeff sticks around. But if he ever did leave I would hate it! I love him! I love his kids. I just don't love having them around every waking minute!

Now please don't think I don't want to marry Jeff. I am sharing my thoughts, and I don't want any backlash. I wish I could figure out how to fix this problem. I don't want to be alone, and I know Jeff is the man God has for me. He and I were always supposed to be together. Neither one of us realized it until later in life! I just have to figure out how to get my coveted alone time, and still be part of a family. Because truthfully, when we have the kids, I am exhausted from the time they get here until the time they leave, and I just want to close the door and not hear little voices...

Just so you know, I love children, which is why this baffles me. I even teach the kids church at my church! So, I'm doing a whole lot of praying-- hoping that God will show me how to do life as a family. I guess I just don't know how!

Happy New Year everyone-- For me the next five months will be very busy-- planning my wedding. I just hope it all comes together and Jeff and I can live happily ever after.


Brooke said...

Happy New Year! I totally understand what you mean about needing your alone time. I was 28 when Josh and I got married, and it's hard to go from years of being on your own - with no one to account to for how you spend your time or money or when you're home or whatever - to being married, sharing a house, sharing a bank account, and having to (or supposed to) consult with someone else on a lot of decisions you would normally make on your own. It's wonderful but a pretty huge adjustment ... and we don't have kids in the equation yet! Josh and I both crave alone time, so I think that helps us both understand when the other one needs it. I think it's wonderful that you're aware enough to realize that you need time to yourself and that this is a struggle for you. Keep talking it over with the Lord and Jeff and I know you'll find a way to work it out.

Nicole said...

Thanks, Brooke. Jeff doesn't understand. He thinks being around people all the time is a great thing, and he really doesn't understand when I get frustrated. He's trying to be supportive though... so I'm really hoping I can find a good balance. PLease pray for me!

Trina said...

I totally understand what you are going through! I married late in life (second marriages) and became a full-time step-mom to his 2 children (their mom is deceased). Even though I have 3 of my own, this was quite a challenge for me.

I get the same way when I need some space and try to hide away each evening in our room for an hour or so after dinner, dishes and homework are finished.

Danny is such a caring man, and understands my need for "me time". I am very blessed.

You will find your own boundaries and means for "me time" in the months to come. It sounds like Jeff is a great guy with some great kids who has found a great partner to spend the rest of his life with.

Congrats and good luck to you!