Failing Dreams

Have you ever wanted something, to do something, to be something, but you didn't know how to achieve it? That's where I am at. I have so many dreams, but I am at a loss of how to accomplish them.

 I want a new career: I worked in television news for 10 years. For a few years now, I have been looking for a change. I would love to work in public relations, and I even have an idea for which type of companies for which I would like to work. The problem lies in getting any potential employers to respond to my resume. My college degree is in Communication. That not only encompasses journalism, but also many other careers, like public relations. But it seems all potential employers see is "News Producer", and they look me over! I would be a valuable asset to someone, especially in a company or organization that I believe in! I am tempted to go back to news, only because I haven't worked full time since October, when my husband and I moved to Oklahoma. But truthfully, I would be miserable. It's hard to make it on one income, especially when we pay child support each month. Now, don't get me wrong! I am not saying my husband should not support his children. But we get them half the time! Half the time! We are supporting them!

 That brings me to my second dream!
A house:
 I have had a dream for as long as I can remember to build a house. When you're growing up, teachers tell you to dream big! Go to college! Then you will have the money to do what you want in life. Well, I did that. I went to college. I have that degree. Now, I want to live the American Dream. I want to build a house! I want a 4 or 5 bedroom house, with 2 1/2 bathrooms and a two car garage. I want it to be out in the country, with 5-10 acres, but close enough to the city that it's not a huge commute. i know what I want it to look like, down to the color of the door! We cannot build a house because we are struggling to make ends meet. So we rent. We cannot decorate like we want. We can't build on to the house we have.

 I want a baby:
I want to have a baby. But without the space for a baby, or the money for a baby, we cannot have a baby. We rent a three bedroom house. The rooms are small. We cannot ask children as old as my stepchildren to share a room with a baby! That would not be fair. Plus, we are barely able to pay the bills now. We are struggling, since I do not have a full time job, so how are we supposed to have a child? I cannot qualify for any government assistance because of my husbands salary...even though we give much of it away to child support... it's a never ending cycle. Here I am, in my mid-30s, without the means to have a child, and it breaks my heart. We cannot have a baby without a new car. We currently do not have any vehicles that will seat 5 people. We already have a family of four. But without me having a full time job, we cannot afford a car payment. See how this cycle works?

 Those are just some of the big dreams I have. There are others-- but it all cycles into these problems! I want to go home and see my family next month. IT doesn't appear we will have the money to do that. So, I sit here, 10 hours away from home, just wishing that I could be there-- if only for a week. Yes, I am complaining. And no, I don't want your sympathy, or any backlash on any of this! I just needed a place to vent... and this is my blog-- so I can do that! Now, let me get off here, so I can go clean this rented house.