Friday, February 17, 2006

End of the Week

I just realized that I haven't updated in several days. But there's really not a lot to update. I am still working, although I'm not sure how long that will last. And every night when I go to work, it's like fear grips me...I am so afraid I am going to walk in and find a pink slip in my mailbox.

I still don't know about the SC gig. I talked to the Executive Producer, who's hiring for the position, and he told me my paperwork hasn't come in yet. He says it's just a technicality...they have to do a background check before they are allowed to move any more forward with the process. He hopes it will come back today...he says he will call me as soon as he gets it. Gosh, I hope I get this job...and I hope I don't have to wait until next week to find out!

My stomach has been in knots for two days. I can't seem to get it to calm down. I know it's just the stress I am under. My shoulders are tense, I can't sleep, my stomach hurts, and my face is breaking out really bad...all signs of stress. I'm not sure how much more I can take.

I talked to my friend, Alex, over IM yesterday, and he told me "you know everything's going to be okay." But I don't know that. Christians would tell me to just "Trust God"...heck, I would say the same thing to someone else. But, it's not that simple. Maybe it should be, but to me it's not. I know in my heart that God is watching out for me, but my head and my heart aren't communicating right now.

All I know are the facts...IF I don't have a job, I can't pay all my bills, which means I can't stay in an apartment, I have to find someone (who likes dogs) to move in with for a while. I can't move in with my dad because my grandmother has taken up residence in their guest bedroom. I can't move in with my mom because she hates the idea of my dog in the house, the only other option is my other grandmother, who would let me come I'm sure, but I hate to ask since I lived with her for four years when I was in school.

and then I have to worry about even being able to get another job. Our industry is so small, that everyone finds out everything about you. So, you mess up in one place, everyone else finds out about it.

This whole situation royally sucks. I guess the main problem is I have always been able to take control over my life. There's only been a couple of other times when something aweful happened and I couldn't be in of those being when my parents got divorced...and the other being when my brother died. But neither directly had an impact on my well-being. I am not in control here. So, I don't know how to handle it.

Wait a minute. Maybe that's the lesson...I have been trying to figure out what I was supposed to learn by coming here, because Lord knows I don't feel like I've learned a darn thing! But maybe, God is trying to teach me that I can't always be in control. Maybe it had nothing to do with learning at my job...but learning in my life. I will definately have to ponder this a while.

I think I may have scared a friend off the other day. Tuesday, when everything happened (see last post), I was so upset. I spent the majority of the day crying because I just didn't know what to do. Well, my friend Jeff called. And I just unloaded on him. Well, he very quickly told me he had another call coming in and got off the phone. Sorry, Jeff. Didn't mean to scare you away. It was just a really bad day, and I needed someone to talk to. I live alone and there's only so much I can say to the dog. But, I shouldn't have unloaded on you like that.

So, I wait... Hoepfully, before the day is over, I will be SC bound. I really do love that staion, and I believe I could be very happy there. PLease continue to pray, because it would be a wonderful opportunity, and it would be a load off my shoulders.


bomba said...

A country song comes to mind, "Jesus Take the Wheel"

And a little note from me: Usually the things I worried about the most end up being the thing I had to worry the least about.

God takes care of the birds of the air, how much more important are you to him than the birds. A LOT MORE!

jamleah said...

Still praying with you Nicole. I know uncertainty sucks. But you have to know that you are in the palm of His hands. He won't let you fall.